Guest of Beth

You are about to begin reading my new online journal "Guest of Beth." Relax. Concentrate. Dispel every other thought. Forget about the Journals Chronicling Ongoing Train Wrecks, Journals Containing Humorous Anecdotes You Wouldn't Be Embarrassed To Read At Work, Journals Where The Good Stuff Is Hidden In The Source Code, Journals Full Of Sweetness And Light That Might Be Interesting To Someone Else Who Is Less Cynical Than You Are, Journals Written As If By A Pet, Journals By People Living Fascinating Lives Abroad So Why Are You Stuck In Sacramento, Journals That Make You Wish There Was No Such Thing As The Friday Five, Journals Featuring Sexual Entries Well Beyond What You Could Possibly Compete With, Fake Journals That Shock People When They Are Ultimately Exposed, Fake Journals That Fool No One, Journals About All The People The Journaler Hates, Journals That Were Once Entertaining But Of Late Are Just Full Of Infants, Journals Where You Hope That All The Quoted Lyrics Are Part Of A Phase And It Will Soon Return To Its Regular Program, Journals Where Every Entry Is Eventually About A Past Relationship, and the Journals That Are About Something So Private That You As A Reader Cannot Determine What That May Be.

Let's not even talk about the Journals That Are So Beautifully Expressed And Emotionally True That You May As Well Have Been Born With Hooves If You Think You Can Write In Their League.

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  • 2003-11-24 - 3:29 p.m.

    I am currently in three book clubs, but my favorite will always be Books and Pie. It is the only book club with its own theme song. It is also probably the only book club where no one reads the book beforehand; in fact, most attendees don't even know what books will be discussed. We are breaking the mold.

    Books and Pie is not for everyone. I won't name names, but attendees should love [1] books and also [2] pie.

    Books and Pie is otherwise open to all; and so far every meeting has featured newcomers.

    At last Friday's meeting, Jen Fu baked an apple pie, possibly her first, and as a bonus recited, from memory, Pi to the twenty-fifth decimal place. Is that sexy or what? Google thinks so.

    There was also a spontaneous recital of the Books and Pie theme song by Jen Fu and Mo Pie. Followed by a heated argument about the tempo of the last bit, which I lost and will now move on from. The Armless Monkey was there, and Jen Wade even brought a friend.

    Our first book of the evening was Telling Tommy About Days We Celebrate, one in a series of Telling Tommy books from the 1940s, wherein a child named Tommy pesters various adult relatives for information.

    And what information! Strom Thurmond could have written this book.

    Don't think they left out Jefferson Davis -- the book notes he had many things in common with Abraham Lincoln, including "both ceased to be President in April, 1865"

    That's right, a holiday for slave trader, mass murderer of black Union soldiers, and first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan Nathan Bedford Forrest

    To remain fair and balanced, a negro holiday

    There were also chapters on obscure holidays like Bird Day.

    Next Mo Pie read aloud Little Golden Book #97, Little Benny Wanted a Pony (1950). Illustrated by Richard Scarry!

    And what illustrations! There was some serious subtext going on. Benny, afraid of his emerging sexuality, dons a paper mask (included in book, but our copy was used) and meets various townspeople of various sexual inclinations, but none of them quite suit Benny. That is, until his mother (!) gives him a pony, which he promptly mounts and takes to bed with him. Very progressive for 1950.

    I guess we weren't the only ones who found some subtext -- Check out the bottom three Google links for "Little Benny Wanted a Pony"!

    I will add more sordid pictures if I get them. And now, some more exciting images from Telling Tommy:

    Breeches work the same as mistletoe!

    Submit your own caption for this, and win a prize!

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