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2003-03-18 - 10:08 a.m.
I have done it. I have gone where few have gone before, or ever will. And lived to tell the tale, at last of the Tub of Pizza. Wipe away all your previous ideas about the shape of a pizza. The Tub is not round! The Tub is not flat! The Tub is all about volume. The Tub's motto is, "OVER 3 POUNDS DEEP!" Just knowing that such a thing was out there in the world was enough for me to want to seek it. I didn't even really care what the ingredients were, except that the flyer mentioned the Tub was "topped with diced pear." Could that be a typo? There was only one way to find out. In my quest for the Tub, I learned that it is possible to drive 26 blocks through a residential neighborhood in four minutes. Without killing anyone. To those who view the Tub as a culinary abomination, I would like to point out that even so-called normal pizza violates all three of Kerr's food rules (never eat anything bigger than your head, never try anything that looks like vomit, never eat more than you can lift). The Tub had a physical presence. A foot long and two inches deep, it represented 192 cubic inches of pizza. Of course I had to weigh it: 1.439 kg of mystery ingredients, truly over 3 Pounds Deep. I love truth in advertising. It contained a full menagerie of animals; I looked on it as a rendition in pizza of Noah's Ark. To preserve its structural integrity, it was encased in an aluminum pan, which made for poorer visuals, sorry.  figure 1: the Tub contrasted with a massive dog head  figure 2: the Tub, fully cooked, contrasted with the largest book I own I had to use my imagination as to how to eat it. Lacking a scoop, I pretended it was lasagna, and removed it in long strips. You could duplicate the experience by piling up a whole pizza's toppings onto one slice. I ate exactly half, stopping well before the point of duress.  figure 3: the label Thanks to all who urged me forward on this project. You know who you are.
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